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We're parents too
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Vocke 1 I am a member of a club. A club I never thought I would have to join. I was forced to join this club seven years ago. I barely even knew this club existed until I became a member. I would love to drop my membership altogether, but I can’t-the decision is not mine. My fellow members are all men who have lost court battles, personal struggles, money, time, professional standing, and peace of mind fighting for the right to be part of their children’s lives. Yet, we all still fight on because we continue to believe we are doing what is right. We are all fathers who have been cut off from our children. The degree of alienation we suffer varies from father to father. Some of my fellow members haven’t seen their children for years, others are only allowed to see them a few times a year. Many of them have been accused of being child-abusers, sexual deviants, drug addicts, alcoholics, or “dead beat dads.” However, most of us are good honest men who have done nothing wrong except having ex-wives that would like to see us drop off the face of the earth. Dr. Ira Daniel Turkat did a study in his article, Divorce Related Malicious Mother Syndrome and according to his research , over half of all marriages end in divorce, which is rising at a dramatic rate. Therefore, the number of children involved in divorces is also growing at a dramatically fast pace. Forensic psychologist Dr. Richard Gardner states in his book, The Parental Alienation Syndrome, that between eighty and ninety percent of all custody cases exhibit some form of child alienation. (p.3) Vocke 2 Dr Turkat and Dr. Gardner both define child alienation as any parent who unjustifiably punishes the divorcing or divorced parent by attempting to alienate their mutual children from the other parent, involves others in malicious actions against the other parent, engages in excessive litigation against the other parent, regularly interrupts visitation with the non-custodial parent, inhibits telephone access to the non- custodial parent, or interrupts parental participation in the children’s school life and extra curricular activities. While the media correctly portrays the difficulties imposed upon women and children by the “ Dead Beat Dad.” The media has yet to capture the warfare waged by a select group of mothers against honest, child support paying, law abiding fathers that just want to be a part of their children’s lives. Everyday, attorneys, therapists, and judges hear the horror stories in which vicious behaviors are lodged against innocent fathers and their children. Yet, nothing is done to change a court system that is biased against men. In their studies Dr Turkat and Dr Gardner give several examples of different forms of alienation. One mother lied to her children and said that she could no longer buy food because their father spent all their money on women at topless bars. A doctor’s ex- wife forced her ten year old son to apply for federally funded free school lunches so she would have more of the child support money for herself and to delude the boy that his “father made them poor.” Another woman asked a very close friend of hers, who was close to her children, to join with her in malicious acts against the father. When the woman refused the mother’s request, the mother falsely informed the children that their father was having an affair with the woman. Vocke 3 These types of behaviors lead to a child not only hating the father but perhaps going years without seeing him. The goal of any alienator is to deprive the other parent, not only of the child’s time and affection but also, of that time of childhood. (Journal Of Family Violence Vol.10.3) Another example of this behavior is when the mother attempts to punish the ex- husband by manipulating others to engage in malicious acts against the ex-husband. Some examples of this behavior pointed out in the studies were an Ex-wife that lied to a therapist during a custody battle about the father’s behavior. The therapist had never spoken to the father but appeared as an expert witness for the mother in court, trying to keep the ex-husband from seeing his children. The therapist informed the judge that the mother should be primary residential parent and the father should be required to go to therapy. Then there was an ex-wife that manipulated her teenage children to leave threatening notes at the ex-husbands home, and an ex-wife, who lost legal custody of the children, then manipulated a secretary at the children’s school to help her in kidnapping the children. (Journal of Family Violence Vol.10.3) There is little question that both parties in a divorce or custody proceeding is entitled to legal representation, but individuals that engage in alienation attempt to punish the divorcing husband by engaging in excessive court litigation. Some of the examples of this in the studies were a belligerent and unreasonable mother who verbally attacked her ex-husband whenever she saw him.
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